Self-esteem, self-confidence & Resilience

Effective ways to improve your son’s self-esteem

I’ve heard so much rubbish modern feel good nonsense about self-esteem in boys…

A healthy self-esteem is like armour… Every young man needs it to battle life’s challenges.

Cause him to take responsibility

It’s hard to feel like a man when your mum is washing your clothes, your older sister cleans your dishes and you spend all day in your room watching junk on Youtube and playing computer games.  Give him jobs around the house that are not negotiable, that require effort and consistency.  When he acts like a man he will feel like a man.

create challenges for him: cause him to learn to cook the family meal at least once a week.  One of the best ways to build his self-confidence is for him to take on challenges that he currently cannot do, and learn to do them so that he sees himself develop new skills and make a contribution to others.

Face up to challenges… or run away

 FACE UPRUN AWAY
What do you mean?Honesty, courage, willingness, deal with your stuff, step up, confront, listen, Responsibility, acceptanceHide, pretend, game playing, procrastination, lying, avoidance, fantasy, blame, excuse
What do you get from it?Confidence, peace, growthShame, guilt, anxiety
What do you teach yourself?That you are have what it takes to deal with life and whatever it presentsThat you don’t have what it takes to deal with life
What do you believe about yourself?That you are enough.
That you are a good person.
Feel good about yourself
That you are not enough

That you are no good
Self esteem
Feel good about yourselfFeel bad about yourself

Self-respect growth happens through adversity and challenge

When you back down from problems and runs away he loses self-respect… When he confronts problems and does what he know is right, even if the outcome isn’t ideal, it lifts his self-respect. When I was in high school, I lost a fight with a bully and a crowd of 30 people saw me get beaten, but I got an enormous amount of self-respect from it because I knew I had stood up for someone who couldn’t stand up for himself. 

Encourage him to get a part-time job

cause him to interact with real people (over the Internet/games does not count)

Encourage him to play team sports

it’s a safe, foolproof way of interacting with others because regardless of your level of social skills, you only need to do the task that you’ve been set.

Resilience is an overused buzz-word – usually wishful thinking. 

Creating opportunities for him to feel successful it only partially effective. Genuine resilience happens when he faces challenges and overcomes those challenges… Or even to fail those challenges, but to have a go at something worthwhile (even without fully succeeding) with a healthy attitude develops resilience and self-esteem.

He needs a cause/battle to fight

It could be global warming, homelessness, a charity he loves… a young man with a battle to fight takes his eyes off himself and what others think about him and puts it on something more worthwhile (which will give him a genuine reason to feel pride in himself). It focuses him on helping others, which kept him out of the toxic self-centred mindset that guarantees low self-esteem.

Feeling good about himself comes from doing worthwhile things, and contributing to others. Adults reassuring him that his special means nothing if he doesn’t feel that he’s earned it.

Create a culture of “making a difference”/helpfulness in your own family.  As a parent, lead the way by donating time and money to a cause (Note: a course, which is bigger than a charity. A charity is delegating responsibility to somebody else. Being passionate about a cause means that you are proactively doing something to help, even if it is by giving money to a charity).

Protecting your son from bullying on social media

Social Media is 24/7

Because of social media, it never goes away and it is ever present like your shadow.  Years ago, once you went home you were safe from the voice and taunts of the bully, but now on social media you are still open to attack. The fear of the social media attack is almost as destructive as the attack itself.  Also with social media, your child will read and re-read those taunts and so the bullying doesn’t stop because it keeps being relived as he re-reads it all.

Learn a martial art/boxing

Learn a martial art/boxing etc – gives confidence and a sense of feeling safe. I learnt tae kwon do when I was 28, because I realised I still did not feel safe.

Spending more time with him

spend time and energy with him (even if he would rather play computer games)

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